Do you find your spouse controlling, but not intimate? Is she too easily angered after sex or avoids it altogether? Does he hold back while devoting all his warmth to the kids? Are you living like room mates, without the sweet softness of devoted lovers?

Welcome to the field of intimacy and its disorders.

While there are many reasons for relationship problems, from chronic depression to chemical dependency, it’s not uncommon for intimacy trouble to have its origins in your personal story. Here’s a three step solution that may be appropriate for someone that you know. I hope so.

One: Understand that injuries of early life can affect intimacy

Last week we began a conversation on the field of Intimacy; and how it’s formed in early childhood and awakened again in adulthood.

So, what happens when symbiosis, an essential experience of infant-mother bonding, is missing?

How can this early loss of love affect intimacy later in our adult life?

Nature is adaptive and so are people. When someone is injured, that person will be seeking balance, and they will often make choices to protect themselves from future injury. If you are married or close to someone who holds back, read on.

Two: Understand your individual story (your partner has a story too)

Here is a composite example about a marriage that’s undermined by a need to control.  Take a look at the protagonist’s psychological injury.  Watch how control is really her form of protection.  And see that in a strange way, the protagonist actually tries to repair her past along the way.

Jenn is married to Harry. There relationship is stable, but Jenn constantly criticizes Harry. Everything about him seems to set her off. From his hair to his clothes to his mannerisms, nothing seems to please Jenn. Even though Harry is a reliable and nice guy, and the couple has two healthy nine year old twins, Jenn’s simply not content…Read more