I am a child psychiatrist and recently wrote a book called The Intelligent Divorce which adds to all the wonderful work that Cynthia and others are doing for kids of divorce. The crucial element to healthy parenting involves two main ideas: protecting the Intergenerational Boundary and not forgetting to take care of yourself.
The Intergenerational Boundary dictates that children remain children. They are not to be pulled into our adult world. You hold your tongue about what you really think about their other parent and you don’t pull them into the power struggles so ubiquitous in divorce. This is easier said than done, but you can do it.
About you: without a healthy commitment to your well being, you will lack the energy and focus to make the right parenting decisions about your children when under stress. You may cave into their whims, or yell because you are upset about your ex, or simply lean on your kids too much. Divorce requires the best parenting out of you at a time when you have the least in you to give.
This moment of divorce requires a conscious effort. This is what makes human beings noble; our ability to be better than we might otherwise be. Healthy kids are worth fighting for – and with intelligence and commitment, things can come out okay in the end. That is what an intelligent divorce is about.